…and there hasn’t been, at least not in the way that Hannah Ann says it.
If for some reason you are living under a rock and haven’t watched a single episode of ABC’s The Bachelor, prepare yourself. There are multiple stages of watching The Bachelor, and you need to be prepared to endure each one as the exploits of Peter the pilot slowly take over your life.
STEP ONE: Denial. You (correctly) believe that the entire show is a waste of time that relies on outdated beliefs, and every contestant is about as smart as the girl in your high school history class that pronounced “Canada” as “Canadia”.
STEP TWO: Intrigue. You see the tweets. You’ve read a few articles like this one. You figure that maybe, just maybe, you could stand to find out what’s going on for just an episode.
STEP THREE: Experimentation. You figure that if the rest of the world watches it, you can dip your toes into the Bachelor universe. Maybe you’ll even learn a few contestants’ names. It’s easy since most of them have the same names as girls in sororities you avoided in college.
STEP FOUR: Dedication. You go to watch parties with a bottle of wine and a box of Cheezits in hand. You might even have a bracket but you’re not like obsessed or anything, or so you tell yourself. You probably play a drinking game along with the show, like drinking whenever someone says the word “journey”. You can feel yourself slipping into dangerous territory, like when Cady Heron word-vomits to Janis Ian about Regina George in the quintessential classic Mean Girls, but you can’t stop talking about The Bachelor. Like, can you believe Hannah Ann stole Kelsey’s champagne? What the heck is a des moines?
STEP FIVE: Obsession. Before you reach this point, ask yourself, do I really want a 26-year-old virgin to take up hours of my life? Am I okay with talking about Instagram sponsorships for at least one hour every day? If the answer is yes, proceed with caution.
Lucky for you, you never have to reach step 5. I’ve reached the point of obsession so you don’t have to! Really, it’s the only thing that makes me qualified to write a recap. That, and sometimes they let me talk on the radio. If you’re looking to waste a few minutes of your life you’ll never get back, keep reading.
This week was week 3, and what a finasco. If you’re asking yourself what a finasco is, so was I when I heard Hannah Ann say it near the beginning of the episode. According to Urban Dictionary (via former Bachelorette contestant Jason Tartick), a finasco is a “financial fiasco or poor business decision”. I strongly doubt that Instagram model Hannah Ann can tell a GDP from a GPA, so this was most likely not the word she wanted to use in her talk with Kelsey. Now that we’ve established that, let’s move on!
Last week, we received the glorious gift of #champagnegate, which apparently is what we call when one girl steals another’s champagne. My friends and I call this “New Year’s Eve”, but to each her own. Kelsey from Des Moines brought a bottle of champagne to share with Peter but lost her marbles when she heard a champagne bottle pop in the distance and saw none other than Hannah Ann sitting with Peter. She realized later that she got the bottles of champagnes mixed up (READ: the producers were working especially hard that day) and then unsuccessfully shared a bottle with Peter but not before using some choice words with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann then accused Kelsey of bullying her, and Kelsey said that was an extremely severe accusation. I’d like to note that this is hilarious because Kelsey looks like the kind of girl that 100% would have bullied me in high school. They tried to work it out, but neither of them said anything that would remotely diffuse the situation. Since this is Bachelor Nation and feuds never die, Kelsey and Hannah Ann brought their drama into this week’s episode.
If you got through that whole last paragraph without losing any brain cells, feel free to continue.
Like I said earlier, this week’s episode was a finasco if there ever was one, and the way that Hannah Ann said it, there never has been. Week 3’s episode started out with a one-on-one date with Victoria P., who vaguely resembles Kate Sanders from Lizzie McGuire. You might know her from week 1’s infamous teacup flashback. In the first week, Victoria P. shared her Tragic Backstory in which she puked on the Disneyland teacups as a child. There was a whole dreamy filter and dramatic music and everything. I’m not sure what all goes on behind the scenes of The Bachelor, but whatever editor made that deserves a raise.
Since Victoria is
wicked hot kindhearted, Peter decided to take her on a one-on-one date. In case you didn’t know, Peter grew up right next to the Bachelor mansion. The whole season is a hometown date, so he decided to take her to some of his favorite spots. I don’t know what I was expecting those to be, but I wasn’t expecting the cowboy boots store and the local ho-down country bar. I guess LA Boy Peter is a huge country music fan, and he wanted to find his “dancing partner for life” in Victoria P. As I watched their one-on-one date, I wondered, why is every contestant on this show a giant country fan? Is that a prerequisite? Doesn’t anybody ever just want to sit back and watch Rihanna? That’s reason number 1934838 why I can never be a Bachelor contestant.
As Peter and Victoria danced to some country song I’ve surely never heard before, we got to see what was going on at the mansion. This is where we got the term “finasco”. Kelsey and Hannah Ann were sitting by the pool, and Kelsey reminded Hannah Ann that calling her a bully was a Very Serious Accusation (sure, Jan). Hannah Ann called the whole thing a “finasco” and the whole term was so ridiculous that Kelsey most likely realized that Hannah Ann was too dumb to fight with. They agreed to disagree and put their feud to rest at least until the inevitable two-on-one date they’ll have to go on later this season.
After Peter taught Victoria P. the two-step (RT if you can’t believe that Peter the pilot knows how to two-step, either), they had a nice dinner next to a plane because of course they did in which Victoria P. revealed her real Tragic Backstory. I can’t tell if she was working overtime for the Pity Rose or if she’s an actual Disney Princess because she told Peter that her dad died when she was a kid and her mom struggled with addiction throughout her life. As she sniffled and leaned on Peter’s shoulder, Peter said the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say in real life. He told her that before he came on the show, he had an overwhelming feeling that this journey (drink) would work, and he saw a star blaze across the sky. He gave her the rose, and then they made out in a vintage plane that was there for absolutely no reason except to remind us for the 69th time in a ten-minute period that Peter is a pilot.
Meanwhile at the house, former Miss Texas Alayah started rubbing her housemates the wrong way. Alayah had been lying low all season, but that night, she decided to put on Peter’s pilot hat and start calling herself Mrs. Weber. Coming from someone who has held up a red lightsaber and called herself Mrs. Kylo Ren, I stan. Sydney, another what’s-her-face, did not, though. She said that Alayah was fake, and usually the kind of girl that she avoided. Of course, they were both chosen to go on the group date.
Going into this week’s episode, I thought that the most interesting moment would be resident Bachelor Nation queen Demi’s return, but it wasn’t even close. The next morning, resident Bachelor Nation queen Demi from Colton’s season stormed the house by waking everyone up with pillows and told them that this week’s group date was going to be a giant pillow fight. She gave them all lingerie to wear, which Kiarra pronounced “linger-y”. If I have a main takeaway from this episode, it’s that a.) these girls cannot pronounce words that are more than two syllables, and b.) Demi is still an agent of chaos. Within moments of being back at the Bachelor mansion, Demi had the girls physically fighting each other. Like I said, queen.
The group date was held at the same bar that Peter showed Victoria how to do-si-do, and I can’t help but want to ask ABC if they’re low on cash. Could they not afford another venue than a po-dung bar twice in one episode? Whatever, not my concern. The girls fought each other and as far as I’m concerned, house flipper Tammy is the clear-cut winner of any physical altercation. The girl’s fierce! Demi did not agree with me and chose Alayah and Sydney for the final round. Alayah won, and cue the camera panning to each girl. I’m no mind reader, but I’m sure every girl in that room wanted to strangle her.
At the cocktail party that evening, Sydney broke the cardinal rule of Bachelor nation and bad-mouthed Alayah to Peter. Before they met up with Peter, Sydney hit Alayah with a line of questioning that Olivia Benson would be proud of. She asked her if she “like, worked” because she was a pageant queen, and told her that everything she said sounded so rehearsed. Alayah said that since she’s in pageants, she’s used to being perfect all the time but works three jobs. I learned during this scene that Alayah might possibly be one of the dumbest contestants I’ve ever seen walk through this show, because she sincerely did not understand why Sydney chose this specific line of questioning. If her post-show Fab Fit Fun sponsorship doesn’t pan out, Sydney might have a future with the FBI. Sydney then made one of the biggest rookie mistakes a contestant can make on The Bachelor and told Peter that Alayah seemed fake. If you’re new here, this never works out for contestants, or at least it didn’t until last night. Peter tried to squash their beef in a group setting and ended up giving Sydney the rose.
The next day, Chris Harrison announced that Peter was coming to the mansion for an all-day pool party. Instead of spending some much-needed time with his bachelorettes, Peter went on a witch hunt for the truth about Alayah. We never saw him questioning the contestants about Alayah, but everyone had something to say….and that something wasn’t good. Cue a whole montage of everyone in the house except for Hannah Ann and Mykenna telling Peter that Alayah was fake. In the meantime, Alayah sat by the pool and said that no one knew her. Hard to say who was telling the truth. Eventually Peter decided that he should get to know Alayah and form his own judgments about her, which is something I was yelling at him through the TV from my couch about. Thanks for listening, Peter! He seemed confident in his decision until frontrunner Victoria P. swooped in with some piping hot tea.
BACKSTORY: Victoria P. was the former Miss Louisiana, which I did not know until this episode. Like I said,Alayah was former Miss Texas. While this is all interesting, I can’t help but wonder, is this Peter’s season or Colton’s season? Anybody remember the drama between Caelynn and Hannah B.? Team Hannah Beast all the way.
Anyways, Victoria P. told Peter that Alayah asked her not to tell producers that they knew each other before coming on the show. Peter was appalled not only that she would lie, but that she would ask someone else to lie. He confronted her, and she looked like a deer in headlights as she tried to deny everything Victoria said. She finally admitted it was all true, and Peter stormed out of the pool party. Resident drama queen Mykenna, a 22-year-old fashion blogger who slightly resembles an off-brand Cinderella, burst into tears because she did not get her time with him.
At the rose ceremony later that night, cutie pie Sarah joined the “Deserved Better” club along with Maurissa from Night 1 and Grocery Store Joe when Peter sent her home. To everyone’s surprise, he also sent Alayah home but regretted it immediately. He moped for the last five minutes of the show, but I’m not quite sure why. They didn’t talk about anything. I’m not quite sure where this connection they think they have with each other is coming from. Their conversations were a little bit deeper than the ones I have with my Tinder dates, but not quite as deep as the ones that I have with my Bumble dates. Trust me when I say this is not a promising endorsement.
My main takeaways from this episode were that Sarah deserved better and will thrive in paradise, Victoria P. gives me major frontrunner vibes, Sydney is a force to be reckoned with, these girls cannot pronounce words that have more than two syllables, and we need moreVictoria F. I missed her this episode, but it seems like we’ll see plenty of her in next week’s episode. In the promo for next week, Alayah comes back! Peter surprises Victoria F. with her own private Chris Rice concert and discovers that she dated Chris Rice! I am using all exclamation points because I can’t believe I have to wait a whole week to watch it! Until then, I’ll be polishing off the bottle of wine I brought to my weekly Bachelor viewing party and retweeting memes. Check out the promo for next week's episode below!
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