The Bachelor Recap Week 5: The One Where Kelsey Cried the Whole Time

You know that Ariana Grande song "No Tears Left to Cry"? Yeah, I don't think that applies to Kelsey.


Get your bottle of wine (yes, the whole bottle -- you're going to need it) of wine ready, because we're already in week 5 of Peter's journey! ABC has decided to give us five hours of The Bachelor this week instead of the normal two, and honestly, I'm not sure how many more brain cells I'm willing to sacrifice for this show. Still, I'm sticking around just like Peter's girls did after he brought Alayah back to the house after everyone else warned him about her.

Speaking of Alayah, Peter revealed that he had a death wish at the end of the last episode when he announced that Alayah would be returning to the show. Earlier in the season, girls in the house started warning Peter that Alayah was "fake". Peter launched a full-on investigation and ending up sending her home, only for her to come back in last week's episode. She said that she needed to clear her name after the things that were said about her, and Peter said that he only sent her home because all the girls warned him about her. He announced to the girls in a manor in Cleveland that Alayah would be returning to the show, and if we lived in a much less civilized time, he would be dead right now.

That was how last night's episode began. The entire house is mad at Peter and upset that Alayah was still there. After brooding and moodily staring out of windows, Peter decided to pull Alayah aside and told her that she did, in fact, have to go home. The drama was getting to be too much for him, he said, and she agreed. She rides away sobbing in a limo, as most fallen contestants do, and the gang have an otherwise regular cocktail party. No one particularly stood out, but no one caused any drama either, surprisingly. The cocktail party ended with a rose ceremony, and if you're following along with your bracket at home, Peter sent home Deandra, Kiarra, and Savannah. Deandra was shocked that Peter sent her home, but I don't know why. I didn't know her name until last night, and I've been trying to send Kiarra home on my bracket since the first week. Kiarra did give us the whole "lingery" gem from a few weeks ago, so something tells me that we'll at least see her in Paradise.

After forcing them go to Cleveland, I guess the producers decided to step it up because the next destination for our favorite pilot and his girlfriends is Costa Rica. The girls are all visibly more excited about Costa Rica than they were about Cleveland except for Kelley, who says the process is difficult. In case you forgot, Kelley shared a magical moment with Peter at some hotel and somehow ended up on this season. We haven't seen a whole lot of her in the last few episodes but if I've learned anything about this season, it's that no one ever really disappears. If Hannah Brown and Alayah can come back after not being on the show, then surely Kelley can get some screen time.

The gang's Costa Rica adventure gets off to a rocky start when Peter shows up to the place they're all staying at with a giant gash in his forehead. He tried to tell the girls that he got in a fight with a puma, but they weren't buying it and I can't say I blame them. The footage from the incident is hilarious, but what’s even funnier is that these girls think that Peter could go up against a jungle cat and live to tell the tale. Peter can't even handle it when one girl makes a mean comment about another. It's like he never went to high school.

Speaking of high school mean girls, Peter decides to take Sydney on a date. Sydney's been a key player in the last few episodes with the Alayah drama, and it'll be interesting to see how long she sticks around. I definitely like Sydney better than I liked Alayah, but the way she grilled Alayah about having a job gave me flashbacks to middle school, and not in a good way. Still, I was willing to give Sydney a chance and I'm glad I did.

The first part of Sydney and Peter's date is a snooze-fest. He tells her that she had "soft lips", and she's all, "Shut up! Say it again." They kind of sound like how I sound like when I tell people in my office about The Bachelor who don't watch it, but it's happening in real time. Like I said, I don't know how many more brain cells I am willing to give up to get to the end of this stupid show. Things do not truly get interesting until their dinner after their Costa Rica hang out. I say hang out because I genuinely could not tell you what they did. They sit on a rock and talk, and that's it.

At their dinner, Sydney says that she wants Peter to know the real Sydney, whatever that means. Before he can even ask what she means, she tells him that she was bullied in high school for being biracial. There is some controversy on Twitter over whether or not her story is true, but if it is, cheers to ABC for bringing attention to such an important issue. The Bachelor has been criticized for its lack of diversity, and I am proud of the producers for letting her share her story.

Back at the house, Kelsey and Tammy were talking by the pool. Kelsey was, of course, crying. When Tammy asked her if she was okay, she said that she couldn't handle seeing Peter with other girls. Tammy told her the universal Bachelor truth, that it's what they signed up for. Tammy then asks Kelsey if she's mad that Peter is on a date with Sydney, Kelsey goes off the rails, and then she goes to cry by herself and drink wine by the pool. If nothing else, Kelsey is relatable.

The next day, the girls go on a group date to a Costa Rica waterfall. I feel like the group dates this season are a little too on-the-nose for my liking, and this one is no exception. Instead of doing a nice hike like, you know, normal people, they meet photographers there for a Cosmo photoshoot. The winner, the photographers tell them, will be on the cover of Cosmo with Peter. I could offer some snarky comment about this, but former bachelor Nick Viall put it better than I ever could.

Instagram model Hannah Ann thinks she has it in the bag, but once again, Victoria F. comes out of nowhere and takes the crown from her. This happened a few weeks ago at the Revolve fashion show, when Hannah Ann won the free wardrobe but Peter gave Victoria F. the rose. Victoria F. posed with Peter in front of the waterfall as the other girls (READ: Kelsey) glared at them. Too bad we'll never see the cover because Cosmo found out that Victoria F. modeled for a company called White Lives Matter before coming on the show and pulled the cover. Yikes.

Later on at the cocktail party, Kelsey was feeling uneasy about the date and pulled Peter aside. She told him she was falling in love with him, and I'm not sure if she's absolutely insane or a total boss because he seemed to love that. As he told her how he couldn't stop thinking about her, Tammy says to the other girls that Peter should know that she was having a mental breakdown and was drinking a lot. She breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor and tells him, and then he has to confront Kelsey about it. Kelsey says that she has no idea what she's talking about, and then goes over to the other girls and asks who called her emotionally unstable. I could tell you about it, but I think this tweet sums it up:

The next day, Kelley had her first one-on-one with Peter. She arguably had the strongest initial connection with Peter, but we haven't seen much of her since the first few episodes. She even says that she's excited to go on their date because she's not sure if she's into him. Peter seems a little more nervous about the date, because he is also not sure if she is into him. The date does literally nothing to calm him down, because a pair of spiritual shamans tell them that they are on different journeys of life, and that Peter likes Kelley more than Kelley likes Peter. Again, yikes.

Back at the house, Kelsey is crying again. This shouldn't shock me anymore, but it still does. Maybe someday I'll learn. She confronts Tammy, and Tammy reveals what we all knew, that she was one who told Peter about Kelsey's breakdown. They work nothing out, and Kelsey continues to cry. She says that she's emotional, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. On one hand, I agree, but girl! Pull yourself together!

Kelley and Peter continue their disaster of a date with a dinner. At the beginning of the dinner, Kelley attempts to have a normal conversation with Peter, but he isn't having it. He says that he wants a wife, and he's not sure if she will be ready for that at the end of this. She says that she isn't sure if he is ready for marriage, but she wants to be there. They kind of seem like they're arguing, and in my opinion, the first date is way too early to have a legitimate argument, but he gives her a rose at the end of the date anyways. If he sends her home in the next episode, I won't be mad. She is way too good for him.

Kelley gave us a refreshing break from all the drama, but tensions were high at the house the next day. Kelsey decides to get herself all dolled up and pay a visit to Peter. She goes to his place, and while she's there, she defends herself against things that she is afraid that the girls will say to her during the cocktail party. He's so impressed that he disappears for a few minutes and comes back with a rose, subsequently beginning World War III. When she shows up to the house with a rose, the other girls look like they are ready to pounce. This is the part of the season where thing are starting to get real, and it shows. To make matters worse, Chris Harrison tells all of them before the cocktail party that there will be no cocktail party, and that Peter is confident enough in his feelings to go straight to the rose ceremony. Tammy yells at Kelsey, Sydney yells at Tammy, Mykenna yells at everyone, and by the end of the "finasco", I can't tell who I'm supposed to be mad at.

Tensions are through the roof at the rose ceremony, and shortly before Peter gives out the first rose, Tammy pulls a classic Bachelor move and steals him away for a second, which, in English, means that she pulls him aside for a private conversation to stand up for herself. Mykenna is furious because the cocktail party was supposed to be "huge" for her and Peter, so she steals him away from Tammy! Lexi is mad because she didn't steal him away, but she easily could have. I'm telling you, there are no rules on this season of The Bachelor.

If you're still with me and following along at home with your bracket, Peter sends home Shiann and Lexi during the rose ceremony. Everything seems tied up neatly, but we've got a whole other episode on Wednesday still. I'm no expert, but I think we can expect more tears from Kelsey.

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