You think this is getting so serious for YOU, Peter? I've lost five hours and countless brain cells this week over this stupid show!
NEW DRINKING GAME ALERT: If you’re following along with your bottles of wine at home, take a drink every time Peter says, “This is getting so serious for me.” Does he understand that he’s on reality television? This isn’t Dateline, although I wouldn’t be too surprised if I saw Tammy’s mugshot on that show in a few years.
Strap in, folks, because we’ve got a whole episode full of drama, tears, and fights to the death. I’m kidding about that last part, but my favorite quote of the night was when Tammy said about Mykenna, “I’m wearing black because it’s her funeral.” ABC decided to subject us to two episodes this week of what truly is the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever, and if you have a life, let me give you the lowdown so you can keep up when your co-worker Karen talks your ear off about how Peter shouldn’t have given Victoria F. a rose at the end of their date.
In case you forgot, Peter and the girls were in still in Costa Rica at the end of Monday night’s episode and everyone wanted to vote Tammy off the island. Last night, they went to Santiago, Chile, home of the Andes Mountains. At the beginning of the episode, there are ten girls left, but by the end there are only six. The episode begins with the girls sitting around at a restaurant, listening to Mykenna whine about how she’s not getting enough time with Peter. The other girls, especially Victoria F., do not take this very well because Mykenna decided to hold an impromptu cocktail party with Peter before the Rose Ceremony. If this sounds like an argument like one at your 5th grade birthday party, same. Peter then shows up and asks Hannah Ann to explore Chile with him.
On their date, Hannah Ann’s age starts to get to Peter. Hannah Ann is only 23, and Peter isn’t sure if she is ready for marriage. The best part of their date was when Peter asked a random Chilean couple on the street if they saw love between him and Hannah Ann, and all they said was that she looked young. The two of them dance, eat, and later, as they’re looking out into the distance near some tower, they talk about love. Still nervous about her age, Peter asks Hannah Ann if she’s ever been in love and is somehow shocked when Hannah Ann, a 23-year-old Instagram influencer, says no. She says she wants to save being in love with her “person”, which I think is code for none of her Bumble dates have gone the way she thought they would. Wait, am I relating to Hannah Ann?
Peter and Hannah Ann’s one-on-one continues to go downhill during the second part of their date At dinner, when Peter asks Hannah Ann what her career and life goals are, she answers with “broadening herself” which I’m pretty sure is code for increasing her Instagram following. She also tells Peter that she dated someone for three and a half years, which, in my opinion, is a long time to date someone you’re not in love with. This obviously doesn’t make Peter feel any better about their relationship, so she pulls a Kelsey, which means she starts to cry and tells him that she’s falling in love with him. Peter likes this side of her and says he doesn’t want someone who gives him “perfect answers, so he gives her a rose. Peter is super unsure about their relationship because of her age and the fact that she gives “perfect answers”. He says he “understands” her, and that makes one of us.
The next day, Kelley reads the group date card and reveals that Victoria F. is getting a second one-on-one. (Side note: Is it just me, or does Kelley always read the date card? Is she the next Chris Harrison?) Before the group date, Mykenna says that she’s considering leaving because Peter isn’t giving her enough attention. I can’t say I blame her, because I get mad when a guy doesn’t give me enough attention and I’m the only girl he’s talking to. I can’t imagine what it would feel like if he was paying more attention to his ten other girlfriends than me.
Since Peter is half-Cuban, he takes the girls to a telenovela set for their group date and says they’re going to make their own. The highlight of the group date is Kelley, when she plays Peter’s grandmother. Honestly, someone give this girl an Emmy. Honorable mention goes to Chris Harrison, who played Peter’s dad and wore a moustache. Tammy totally thinks she’s the best actress when she plays the sultry neighbor, but what else is new. Mykenna, who plays the maid, mopes around and stares at everyone else the whole time, but when Peter’s character ends up with her in the telenovela, she calls it the best day of her life.
Surprisingly, there is very little drama on the telenovela set, but that all changes at the cocktail party. Peter pulls Victoria P. aside to talk, and things head south fast. When she tells him that she isn’t sure if they are on the same page after the Alayah ordeal, he tells her that she is right, and he isn’t sure if he sees her as his wife anymore. Shocked, Victoria P. tells him that this is the last conversation they’re going to have and walks out. She may be gone, but I have a feeling we’ll see her in Paradise.
Peter broods for a hot second and says the whole thing was “tough”, but he’s clearly not too broken up over it because he makes out with Madison about five minutes later. In this rare moment between them, Peter sits with Madison outside and tells her that he wrote a telenovela script just for her. I don’t often agree with Peter, but I would totally be swooning if someone did that for me. Back inside, Tammy accuses Mykenna of not being ready for marriage. They yell at each other and Kelsey stands up for Mykenna when Tammy says that Mykenna is acting like a child. Peter returns to the house because he heard yelling and asks Mykenna what happened. She tells him that Tammy said she wasn’t ready for marriage but assures him that she is. At the end of the group date, Peter gives Madison the rose for being Genuine and Real.
For their second one-on-one the next day, Peter takes Victoria F. to a ranch in the countryside. They ride horses together and watched a Chilean rodeo, I think it was? No one explained what was going on and I didn’t know what questions to ask. Peter says he can see her as the “future Mrs. Weber”, and I am honestly beginning to question his sanity. After the rodeo, as they are sitting on a truck bed, Victoria F. tells Peter she is having a hard time seeing Peter with other girls. Peter, for some reason, is so taken aback that this could be an issue for her. For the record, I don’t think these girls understand that this is the point of the show. First Kelsey and now Victoria F.? Have these girls even seen The Bachelor before? Someone needs to send them a link to my page because they need to start reading my recaps.
At their dinner later, Peter essentially asks for some validation. He says that he sees so much potential between them, and “this is getting so serious” (drink). When he asks her why she is trying to sabotage what they have, she snaps. She says that she’s not sure if she is the right one for him and disappears into the bathroom with a producer. The producer asks Victoria F. if she wants to go home, and she says she doesn’t know because she’s not sure if she’s ready for marriage. This whole thing has Chase Rice one-on-one vibes all over it and I thought he couldn’t possibly give her the rose, but he does. Why, you ask? I know I’m the resident expert on this show, but I don’t have an answer for you.
Back at their hotel, Kelley reads a date card with Tammy and Mykenna’s names on it. In the card, Peter says that both cannot continue with the show. Both of them are super upset, but I can’t wait. It’s been a few seasons since we’ve had a good two-on-one faceoff. Tammy wears black to their two-on-one because, like I said before, she says, “I’m wearing black because it’s her funeral.” When they get there, Mykenna gives a super rehearsed speech that sounds like something from a Disney Channel Original Movie. When Peter gets there, Tammy says that Mykenna is only on the show to build her brand, and that she packed her bags to leave before the group date. Peter then asks Mykenna for clarification, and she basically says she’s not the person that Tammy makes her out to be. As Peter stares out a window and broods, Tammy and Mykenna argue about who the villain of the season is and clearly do not understand that it’s all of them. When Peter returns to the couch, he sends Tammy home. I can’t wait to see her at the Women Tell All, it’s going to be a mess.
At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Peter spends some rare one-on-one time with Natasha, and she tells him that she needs more reassurance. He says that he feels a connection with her, and he wants to show her that he is not about the drama. He also spends some time with Kelsey, and she sounds like she’s about to cry. Shocker. If you’re following along at home with your bracket, Peter sends Sydney and Mykenna home at the rose ceremony, even though he kept her around after their one-on-one date. Hannah Ann, Madison, Victoria F., Kelley, and Kelsey are left, and things are only going to get more serious from here on out.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s lost their life to this stupid show. See you in Lima, Peru next week!