Bachelor Recap Week 6: The One Where Kelley Takes a Nap

As Peter would say, things are getting so serious because hometowns are next week, and I don’t feel like we know any of these women well enough to meet their families. I wouldn’t go within a five-mile radius of these women’s hometowns, but you do you, Peter.

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Fasten your seat belts, because we are in for yet another week of turbulence. (Sidebar, will these pilot jokes ever get old? Let me know.) Peter and the gals, which could easily be an indie rock band name, go to Lima, Peru, and things are getting intense. Next week is hometowns, and Peter is deciding which families he wants to subject himself to. If you are unfamiliar with the show and are for some reason just reading this because you like me, the hometown episode is when the bachelor goes to meet all his women’s families and drama never fails to ensue. It’s delightful, especially when at least three people cry. We love trashy reality television!

At the beginning of this episode, Madison, Natasha, Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Kelley, and Victoria F. are left. Throughout the episode, he eliminates two women. I could’ve guessed that he would have eliminated Natasha since she’s never been on a one-on-one, but who will be the other woman? Read on to find out.

These episodes usually begin with a one-on-one, but Peter’s feeling conflicted at this point so he does what any millennial in crisis would do. He facetimes his mom, Barbara “Don’t Let Her Go” Weber, and tells her that he’s afraid these girls will blindside him like bachelorette Hannah Brown did. He goes to the girls’ hotel room and basically tells them he needs more validation. Does he not know that girls are literally crying over him every day? How much more validation does he need?

A few minutes later, Peter gives Madison the first one-on-one date of the episode. In case you forgot because we’ve heard maybe five words from her since, Peter gave Madison the first one-on-one date of the season. He took her to his parents’ vow renewal and they really seemed to hit it off. If someone took me to our parents’ vow renewal for our first date, I’d delete his number and consider moving to another state, but whatever. Their date went well until Madison told Peter she wanted to marry a servant of the lord or something and Peter almost cried when he realized he wouldn’t get any windmill time with her. During the day portion of their date, they went fishing. Peter said that he could see her as his wife, but also his best friend. I think she gave him the validation he was looking for while they were on the boat, but she said the word “like” so many times that I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying.

 

The weirdest moment of this episode happens next, when we find out that Hannah Ann and Kelsey are now best friends. Earlier on in the season, they were bitter enemies when Hannah Ann stole Kelsey’s champagne that she brought all the way from her hometown in Des Moines. I know Des Moines has a fancy name, but I went to school near there and trust me when I say, there is nowhere fancy enough to get a bottle of champagne to cry about. Now, they are suddenly besties, and they talk about how Madison wants to marry a “spiritual leader”. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Peter “Windmill” Weber is a man of the lord, per say. I should’ve put money on it, because he confirms my suspicions at their dinner.

When Peter and Madison sit down for a dinner under the stars, AKA fairy lights, Madison tells Peter that she wants to marry someone like her father. Peter nods like he knows where she’s going with this, as if she’s about to tell him they should leave the show and have ten kids together, but then she drops the bomb that she wants to marry someone who has a “strong relationship with the lord”. Peter is silent for a few seconds too long, and if I were Madison, I would crawl under the table and refuse to come out until I was sure he was gone. Peter goes on to say that he was raised in a Christian home, but, duh, his faith is not as strong as it could be. As Madison serves up one of the most awkward moments of the season and shrugs, Peter drops the bomb that – wait for it – he’s falling in love with her. She doesn’t say it back, but she tells him that she’s glad he says it. She later tells the camera that the conversation went nothing like she thought it would, but it was better. This is fine and all, but what’s going to happen when she takes Peter to church and he’s all, “Where are we?”

 

Next, Peter gives Natasha a one-on-one date. He says that he doesn’t want to count out relationships that start late, but come on, dude. Natasha is one of the few women from this season that I genuinely like, but we all knew she was going home. They explore the Plaza de Armas, she tells him at a bar that her last boyfriend dumped her because she was “too intense”, and then he sends her home in the dinner portion of the date. See you in Paradise, Natasha.

 

After his non-date with Natasha, Peter goes on a one-on-one with Kelsey. Call me crazy, but I’m beginning to like her. She had a rough start this season with the whole #ChampagneGate thing, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing if she won. Going into the date, they both need validation from each other. I’m not sure why he needs it because she literally told him that she’s falling in love with each other, but okay. They ride ATVs, talk about real life stuff after the show on top of a mountain in Peru, and then have dinner together.

Before their dinner, Kelsey cries in the confessional because a.) of course she does, and b.) she needs to tell him about her family. Kelsey has said earlier in the season that her parents’ divorce was hard on her, but I could have never guessed how messy this would all be. Kelsey tells Peter that if he goes to her hometown, her dad won’t be there. She then explains that she hadn’t talked to her dad for ten years until about a year ago. She now has a relationship with him but hasn’t told her mom. For the record, I think I would enjoy being anyone in the world more than Kelsey’s mom while watching this episode. Peter ends up gives Kelsey a rose, and honestly? I commend his choice, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to watch her hometown drama unfold. It seems like Kelsey has real world drama and not just show drama. Isn’t this supposed to be fun? I can’t have fun while I’m watching Kelsey tear her family apart.

 

Get out your bottle of wine, because here’s where things get interesting. After his date with Kelsey, Peter decides to take the remaining girls on a three-on-one date. There are two roses left, so one of them will be going home, but who? Kelley sure doesn’t think it’s her. Kelley thinks she’s a shoo-in for the rose, and even calls Hannah Ann and Victoria F. children. Honestly, I can’t say that she doesn’t make some good points.

Peter, Kelley, Hannah Ann, and Victoria F. go to a little garden called Loving Land for their three-on-one, and I’ve never experienced twenty minutes of television more stressful than this. If you decide to chug while reading this part of the recap, I won’t blame you. Peter whisks Hannah Ann away to a bench, and Kelley lies down to take a nap like the true queen she is. While they’re on the bench, Hannah Ann cries and shows Peter a list of reasons why she likes him. The best part of this is that Hannah Ann, grown woman of 23, dots her “I’s” with hearts. I can’t.

 

After Hannah Ann, Peter grabs Kelley and asks her what she thinks about their relationship. Kelley says their connection has always been easy, and she just wants to have fun with him. Peter asks if this experience is about more than fun for her, and she says yes. She says that relationships can just be easy, fun, and drama-free, and you can tell that this does not compute for Peter. Speaking of drama, cue Victoria F.!

Peter talks with Victoria F. last, and I’m wondering why she’s still there. Both of their one-on-one dates have been complete disasters, and this is no different. While they’re sitting on a bench, she says that whenever they’re together, he’s in a “mood”. He accuses her of “attacking” him. She begins to cry and say something like, I don’t want to get to the end of this and lose you so it’s better not to have you at all. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Have any of these girls ever watched the show? She runs off crying and says that she’s “annoying to be around”. I dare her to say it louder so Peter will hear it and send her home.

 

A few minutes later, Peter pulls Victoria F. and walks her to the limo. Just as I’m about to break out my champagne in celebration because he’s finally sending her home, he gives her a rose. I’m honestly considering writing to these Bachelor producers to give him a serious psych evaluation because if he thinks Victoria F. is the future Mrs. Weber, he must have a few screws loose.

In a shocking upset, Peter then sends Kelley home and keeps Hannah Ann around. Like the queen she is, she doesn’t even cry in the limo. She says that Peter wants children, and he obviously isn’t ready for someone like her. I completely agree with every word she says, and I can’t wait to see her on the beaches of Paradise.

 

Peter brings Hannah Ann home with him, and Kelsey runs up to hug her like the best friends they apparently are now. Hannah Ann, Kelsey, Victoria F., and Madison are officially Peter’s final four, so adjust your brackets accordingly. Can’t wait until hometowns next week!

Ally Bear

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