Can I give Rick Sluss a rose?
Another week, another two hours of my life I’ll never get back due to Peter Weber’s poor decision-making skills. This week’s episode of The Bachelor was hometowns, and, as always, it did not disappoint. I’ve been losing some faith in Chris Harrison after the last few seasons, but I might be starting to believe in him because this truly does seem like, as he always says, the most dramatic season ever. Our consolation prize of a bachelor, Peter, went home with Hannah Ann, Kelsey, Madison, and Victoria this week, and when I say, “went home with”, I mean it because he did not meet Victoria’s family. Victoria cannot hold in her crazy for an entire day, and it is a wonder that she passed the psych evaluation that all the contestants are required to take. Honestly, I feel like I would fail it after watching this season. Victoria’s constant meltdowns are driving me insane.
Peter’s first hometown date is with Hannah Ann in Knoxville, Tennessee. I, personally, have no idea what he sees in Hannah Ann. Her modeling claim-to-fame is starring in a Sonic campaign and she has the personality of a 15-year-old on a good day, but to each his own. Hannah Ann and Peter go axe-throwing because, as Hannah Ann says, he will need to impress her tough-guy dad. They threw axes, made out, and at the end of the date, Peter gave her a list of things that he loves about her just like she gave him in last week’s episode. If Peter had this moment with Madison instead of Hannah Ann, I’d think it was cute. Unfortunately, we can’t have nice things.
Later in the evening, Peter meets Hannah Ann’s family, and her dad is easily the best character in this dumpster fire of a season. His name is Rick, and he is clearly unimpressed with Peter. Peter tells him that he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann, and instead of giving him the support that he needs, Rick simply says, “Do not say that to her.” Of course, Peter doesn’t listen and tells her that he’s falling in love with her. At this point, I wouldn’t hate if she won. They both seem like incredibly mediocre people who will have a long, mediocre life together. No, I’m not jealous of her modeling career. No, I’m not jealous of Instagram following. No, I’m not jealous of her pilot boyfriend. No way.
(But, honestly? I am jealous of her dad. Rick Sluss for Bachelor, anyone?)
Peter’s second hometown date is with Kelsey in Des Moines, Iowa. Now, I know what you’re thinking. What the heck are they going to do in Des Moines? I was thinking the same thing, but their date was almost cute. They went to a winery called Summerset Winery, and I wonder if it’s where Kelsey bought the infamous champagne bottle from. They stomped around in a pile of grapes and did a wine tasting. The best part of the date was when Kelsey told Peter she loved him, and he just said thank you. There goes your rose, Kels.
Later, Peter met Kelsey’s family, and they all look alike. Her mom even cried. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose. Kelsey’s mom said that she was afraid for her daughter, and I was yelling at the TV that she should be. I mean, Peter is in love with Hannah Ann, of all people. Peter sent Kelley, the most normal person to ever come on the show, home. Peter is keeping Victoria around. I’d be afraid for your daughter if she ended up with Peter, Mrs. Kelsey.
Peter’s third hometown date is with fan favorite Madi in Birmingham, Alabama. Madi is my favorite, but something tells me that she won’t make it to the end. I don’t have anything to back that up, though. Madi plays basketball for Auburn, so she takes Peter to the basketball court and completely schools him. Like, this guy can’t even dribble. Peter might possibly be the least athletic bachelor we’ve ever had.
Later on, Peter meets her family, and no shade but I think something is seriously wrong with her dad. Somehow, this guy looks like he belongs in both middle school and a nursing home. Madi’s family does a toast with glasses of sweet tea, and then Madi’s mom pulls her aside to ask her if she’s told Peter that she’s a virgin yet. Both of Madi’s parents ask her if she’s told Peter that she is “saving herself”, and she says no. After their dinner would have been the perfect time to tell him, but Madi doesn’t. Instead, Peter and Madi tell each other that they love each other. Peter originally became famous for sleeping with Hannah B. in a windmill no less than four times, so I am genuinely curious how he’ll take it. The highlight of their date is, by far, seeing Madison's dad and wondering how the heck she could have come from him. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm #TeamRickSluss.
With all the Madison stuff, this episode is almost getting so cute it’s boring, but leave it to Victoria to bring the drama. Peter’s fourth and last hometown is with Victoria F. in Virginia Beach, and what a delightful dumpster fire it is. Peter and Victoria begin the day by walking around Virginia Beach with her dog. They get an old-time photo done, and he tells her that she looks like Princess Peach. Weird flex, but okay. Then Victoria tells Peter that she has a surprise for him and takes him to their own private Hunter Hayes concert. Their first date was a private Chase Rice concert and Victoria ruined it, like she has with the rest of their dates, when she revealed that she had dated Chase Rice and it didn’t end well.
Now strap in, because this is where things finally get interesting.
Peter runs into his ex-girlfriend Merissa at the Hunter Hayes concert, and she warns him about Victoria. She tells him that, yes, she knows her, and Victoria has broken up multiple relationships and marriages. I’m not sure why this comes as such a shock to Peter, but it does, and he’s totally distraught when he shows up to her house that evening to meet her parents. Peter steps out of the limo onto her front lawn and immediately tells her that they need to talk. He tells her that he’s in a weird head space because he ran into his ex, Merissa, and she had some choice words to say about Victoria. Of course, Victoria flips out and literally runs away. She bawls to the camera and talks about how she’s “so done” and “can’t catch a break”, and I totally feel her. I am “so done” with Victoria. I “can’t catch a break” because she is constantly interrupting my otherwise pleasant viewings of The Bachelor. They try to talk it out, but they end up solving literally nothing and Peter rides away in the limo without meeting her family. I thought that was the last we’d see of Victoria, but again, the Bachelor producers don’t think we can have nice things.
The next morning, Peter is moping in his hotel room because he’s “so confused”, yadda yadda. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Could it be Victoria? It sure is! As Jennifer Aniston says in Friends, isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Victoria tells him – what else? – that she is falling in love with him, and she knows that he might send her home but she couldn’t leave without telling him. He tells her to leave and continues to mope. At this point, it’s clear what he should do, but also what he will do, and unfortunately those two are not the same things. I haven’t liked Peter since about the second episode, but now I’m really beginning to worry about him. Is Victoria brainwashing him? Holding him captive in some basement? Blackmailing him? I have so many questions.
As I predicted, Peter sends Kelsey home and keeps Victoria around at the rose ceremony. He’s also taking Hannah Ann and Madison to the Fantasy Suites, but, for the first time all season, Madison is beginning to sweat. She hasn’t told him yet that she’s saving herself for marriage. At the end of the episode, she goes, “Peter, can I talk to you?” As she whisks him away past an airplane, the screen fades to black and we are left with a giant cliffhanger. Peter, why are you doing this to me?
The next week is Fantasy Suites, AKA the best week of the whole season, and it seems like it’s about to deliver. Madison gives Peter an ultimatum that she won’t stay if he has sex with any of the other girls, and Victoria calls it “disgusting”. I’m living for the drama that’s about to unfold. Can’t wait until Monday!
In other Bachelor news, The Bachelor released the first promo for their spinoff, Listen to Your Heart during this episode. It’s exactly like The Bachelor but with music, so kind of like if The Bachelor and American Idol had a love child. Somewhere, Jed Wyatt is kicking himself for not waiting a year to go on that show instead. It comes out on April 13th, and I’m at least willing to give it a shot. Get ready for more recaps, am I right?