Bachelor Recap: The One Where Madison Gets Genuine and Real

Beautiful episode, Madi. You are so genuine and real.

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Just when I thought I couldn’t love anyone more than lawyer Kelley Flanagan, Queen of Normalcy, Madison swooshed in like the basketball queen she is and took the crown. In last night’s episode, Madison proved what I’ve suspected from the first episode, that she is too good for Peter. Whether you agree with Madison’s conservative beliefs or not, you cannot argue with the fact that she is an absolute queen for standing up for what she believes in. I, personally, think she’s too good for Peter, but that doesn’t seem good for ratings.

At the end of last week’s episode, after the rose ceremony, Madi pulled Peter aside to talk. This week’s episode begins with their talk. Madi says that if Peter sleeps with one of the other contestants in the Fantasy Suites, she isn’t sure if she can continue to be on the show. She doesn’t see herself getting engaged to someone who slept with someone else only a few days before their engagement, and I have to stan. I know this doesn’t really mesh with the whole premise of the show, but I don’t think I’d get engaged to some guy who slept with one of my friends before he got down on one knee either. She says she doesn’t want to give him an ultimatum, but Peter, a Grade-A Man Child who cannot handle adult conversations, sees it as one. Peter then says he’s unsure how Madison feels about him.

This week is Fantasy Suites, and I cannot believe that these are the three women we’re left with. Apart from Madison, I don’t think these women will be ready for marriage within the next ten years. I have a theory that Hannah Ann (or as I like to call her, Hannah Bland) is secretly twelve and lied about her age to get on the show and Victoria F. needs a therapist rather than a husband, but here we are. Peter and the girls go to Australia for Fantasy Suites week, and for once, I think he has good taste. He says he can’t imagine a more romantic place to fall in love. I mean, yes, he said the same thing about Cleveland, but I really should give the boy some credit. When Madison gets to her hotel room, she says that Fantasy Suites is a “weird position for her to be in”. Once again, I have to ask: Have any of these girls seen this show before?

As Chris Harrison would say, this season continues to be the most dramatic season ever because, for the first time in Bachelor history, all the girls must stay in the same room during Fantasy Suite week. Hannah Ann and Victoria F. show up to the room, and it’s one of the most awkward moments in recent television history. A close second is the live taping of the impeachment hearings. The moment is tragically short lived because a few minutes later, Peter goes to their room, gives a nice little intro, and gives Hannah Bland the first date.

Hannah Bland and Peter’s date is surprisingly drama-free and easy. Judging by what went down with Kelley, I didn’t think he was into that kind of thing. Hannah Bland and Peter ride on jet skis to an island. As they’re sitting on the shore, they talk about their hometown date and Hannah Bland asks Peter how he is. As Peter goes on and on about how hard dating three girls at the same time is, Hannah Bland says that she will be “understanding” and “patient” with him no matter what happens this week. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. They make out as the sun sets behind them. The date, like Hannah Bland, is fine. Not amazing. Not super romantic. Just fine.

Later in the evening, Hannah Bland and Peter have dinner at a hotel. Peter keeps telling her that he’s falling in love with her, and Hannah Bland says she’s “all in”. I could recap their whole conversation, but that would be a waste of both of our time. The real question throughout the date is whether Peter will betray Madi and sleep with Hannah Bland and, because we can’t have nice things, he does. At the end of the date, Peter takes Hannah Bland to the Fantasy Suite and make out, among other things probably, in a shower.

Victoria F. gets the next date, because of course the producers of The Bachelor would make us wait until the very end of the episode for all the drama. Despite all the fights these two have gotten into over the last few weeks, Peter kicks off the date by telling her that he’s glad they’re still fighting for each other. I don’t think they’re fighting for each other, they’re fighting with each other, but whatever helps Peter sleep at night. Peter and Victoria go on a helicopter ride to a waterfall, and it becomes blatantly clear that Peter himself is not at all ready for marriage when he says, “I love everything about our relationship, except for communicating.” Has Peter ever been within ten feet of a married couple? At the waterfall, they both express their fears about communication. Other than that tiny issue, they both agree that their relationship is great. I could make a snarky remark here, but what’s the use? Every time I think that Peter’s going to send Victoria home, he keeps her around. Their relationship has gotten so toxic that it’s not even fun to poke fun at.

Madi tells Hannah Bland back at the room that she would be uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with anyone else, and Hannah Bland’s face is truly a sight to behold. Hannah Bland thinks Madi is being ridiculous and calls the whole situation “truly madness”. What’s “truly madness” in my opinion is the fact that Hannah Bland made it to Fantasy Suites.

At Victoria and Peter’s dinner that night, Victoria tries to explain why she is the way she is. She says that in her past relationship, there was very little communication and she always thinks that Peter is trying to attack her. This explanation isn’t enough for Peter, and he tells her that he needs to be able to always count on her. I feel like at some point in every conversation they have, he flips a switch and she begins to cry. This is the point where he flips the switch. Victoria gets defensive and says she doesn’t know what he wants. Peter says he likes that their relationship is challenging. They solve absolutely nothing but apparently their conversation was exactly what both needed so they go to the Fantasy Suite. Victoria says that she “loves him so much” and cries to the camera. If you’re confused, you’re not alone. The next morning, Peter says that things went great (*wink*) and now he’s “in love with three women”.

Flash forward to the moment I’ve wasted an hour and a half of my life waiting for. Peter and Madi scale a building for their last date. When they get to the top, Madi says that she could see Peter as “the father of her kids” and they make out. What is this, a date with Hannah Bland? Let’s get to the drama!

While Peter and Madi are on their date, Hannah Bland tells Victoria that Madi gave Peter an ultimatum about sleeping with other women. They’re not happy, and the best part of all this is, while they’re arguing, they’re wearing cross necklaces. To rephrase, these two women are dumping on Madi for her choice to wait for marriage while wearing cross necklaces. The irony is real, folks.

At the dinner portion of Peter and Madi’s date, Peter tells Madi that he’s been “torn” over the talk about intimacy they had. He didn’t seem to “torn” about it while he was making out with Hannah Bland in the shower, but alright. Madi says that she didn’t mean to give him an ultimatum, she wanted to tell him how she felt. She finally confesses something that we’ve known since she and her mom talked about it at hometowns, that she’s saving herself for marriage. She goes on to say that she has sacrificed some of her beliefs and compromised her standards throughout this process, but she says this is one thing she can’t compromise on. You can see all the color drain from Peter’s face, and it’s amazing. Peter admits that he has been “intimate” with the other women. He tells Madi that he can see the two of them together at the end, but he could see that with “other people” as well. In conclusion, Peter has no idea what the heck he wants. Madison excuses herself from the table and I am living for this drama. If she leaves, Peter knows what he has to do. Hope he’s been practicing his fence-jumping skills.

Peter follows her, tells her that he’s sorry, and cries. He says he’s not perfect, as if we didn’t already know that. After they cry for a few minutes, Madi walks away and we have to wait a whole week to see if she’ll stick around. If I was her, I wouldn’t, but I know that doesn’t make for good TV. Ugh, these people are killing me.

Next week would be the proposal, but I’m not so sure that’s going to happen. I think next week, we’ll finally figure out who Peter’s mom is talking about in that infamous preview where she’s crying and wailing, “Bring her home, Peter. Bring her home to us.” If he picks anyone other than Madison, I’m quitting this stupid show, or at least I’ll think about it for a few minutes.

What do you think? Will Madison come back? Will Hannah Bland find a personality before the last episode? Will Victoria F. finally get a therapist? Drop me a line in the comments or tweet at me @shutupallybear to let me know what you think, and while you’re at it, let me know if there are any other shows you’d like me to recap. I’m currently watching Love is Blind on Netflix and literally cannot tear my eyes away from it for more than a few minutes, so if you want to know what’s going on with Jessica and Mark (and believe me, you do), tell me.

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