My real ranking is Lauren and Cameron, then everyone else, but that’s no fun.
MANY, MANY SPOILERS AHEAD.
If you’re not watching Love is Blind on Netflix, you need to get on it ASAP. Love is Blind is like The Bachelor, but if The Bachelor was actually good this season. Love is Blind, hosted by Nick and Vanessa Lachey in a last-ditch attempt to cling onto any relevance they have left, is a 10-episode series that aims to answer the question, is love really blind? I know this because Nick and Vanessa ask this verbatim about five times each episode. Love is Blind follows six couples through their journey to find love with someone who they do not get to see until they are engaged. It’s a total train wreck as you can imagine, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away for five seconds. I flew through the whole season in less than a week, and you know what? No regrets. After watching Peter’s dumpster fire of a season on The Bachelor, I needed to find someone to root for.
To test the theory that love is blind, the show splits up a group of men and women and makes them go on dates in pods. In these pods, they can’t see each other. They spend about a week in the pods, and then, if they like each other, one of them proposes. If that goes smoothly, the two of them meet in person in this over-the-top ceremony that involves a lot of tears and even more making out. After that, they go on a honeymoon vacation to Mexico, but wait! There’s a twist! They are all staying at the same resort. If they manage to stay together throughout a free trip to Mexico, they put their relationship to the test by returning to the real world. They see their potential spouses’ homes, meet their families, and then, if everything goes well, they get married at the end of the show. Yikes, right?
Even though Lauren and Cameron are, by far, the best couple to come out of the show in my opinion, some couples are better than others. If you haven’t watched the show yet, no fear. I decided to rank the couples from worst to best and give a little low-down on each of them so you can talk about how much Jessica sucks at happy hour with your co-workers.
Diamond and Carlton – Diamond and Carlton were the first couple to break up, and good riddance. They didn’t even make it through the honeymoon in Mexico! How can you not suffer through a few days with someone for a free trip to Mexico? Diamond and Carlton hit it off in the pods but broke up shortly after getting to Mexico when Carlton told Diamond that he was bisexual. They left after a gigantic blowout in one of the earlier episodes and were never seen or heard from again. Can’t wait to see them throw some major shade at each other in the reunion special.
Kelly and Kenny – Yawn. I thought Kelly and Kenny were one of the most compatible on the show, but I guess I was wrong. They seemed to get along well, but, looking back, Kelly would make offhand comments about how Kenny wasn’t the kind of guy she typically went for, and she saw him as more of a “best friend”. She then freaked out on their wedding day and said no at the altar. Kenny blessed us with one of my favorite moments of the season on their wedding day. After Kelly left him at the altar, Kenny asked the cameraman to quit recording and he wouldn’t. He gave us the iconic quote, “Stop recording, Jimmy,” and for that, I simply have to stan. Kenny seems like a low-key, normal guy, if you forget about the whole getting engaged after a week thing, and Kelly couldn’t appreciate that. Kelly, girl, you missed out. #JusticeForKenny.
Gigi and Damian – Lauren, another contestant on the show, described Gigi and Damian best when she said something like, “Gigi and Damian are like the Da Vinci code. I just can’t crack it.” If you gave me a million dollars to tell you what drew these two to each other, I wouldn't be able to do it. Gigi, full name Giannina, is a telenovela star in the making, and Damian is a gym rat who I'm sure has played "devil's advocate" in at least three of his classes in college. Gigi and Damian hit it off in the pods and even seemed to be pleased with the results when they met each other, but it became clear these two weren’t on the same page on the first night of their honeymoon. Damian wanted to take things slow, but Gigi wanted to jump his bones. They continued to struggle through their trip, but, somehow, managed to stay together long enough to make it back to the real world. Their hometowns were a total garbage fire because Gigi’s parents told her that she should wait to get married, and Damian’s parents refused to meet her, and things only went downhill from there. Gigi made me nearly spit out my drink when she said something along the lines of, “You know how whenever we have sex, you say it’s always the best sex of your life? You notice how I don’t say it back?” BIG YIKES. They kind of-sort of worked everything out, but Damian said no at their wedding and Gigi ran away. He followed her and said that he loved her but didn’t want to get married right now, but it was no use. Like the budding telenovela star that she is, Gigi stormed out. I thought for sure that this would be the end of their relationship, but they’re apparently back together now. This show is full of surprises!
Amber and Barnett – To be fair, Amber and Barnett make a decent couple. After all, they were one of the only couples to get married in the finale. I just don’t think I would ever want to interact with either of them in real life because I think Barnett is an overgrown frat boy and Amber is a well-meaning psychopath. I took a while to get on board with their relationship because they had a rocky start. Amber was always into Barnett and only Barnett, but Barnett made connections with three different women, including Jessica, who I’ll talk about in a minute. Barnett and Jessica even told each other that they were each other’s top picks, but when Jessica found out that he was talking to three other girls, she dipped, and Barnett picked Amber over the much saner LC. They had one of the best times out of all the couples during their honeymoon in Mexico, but their relationship was put to the test in the real world when Barnett found out about Amber’s money struggles. Amber maxed out her makeup credit card and had $22,000 of debt from a school she didn’t even graduate from. Barnett only felt worse when he learned they came from different financial backgrounds and his family was not too keen on her. Barnett freaked out on their wedding day and dodged all of Amber’s calls, but showed up at the altar and said, “I do.” They are apparently still together, and Amber is blonde now. Good for them, I guess?
Jessica and Mark – Before I begin to even attempt to explain Jessica and Mark to you, I must clarify that they are the most aggravating couple in the entire show. On top of that, you could not pay me a million bucks to go within a ten-foot radius of Jessica. However, they get a high ranking because they are just so fun to watch. Jessica felt an instant connection in the pods with Mark, but he was her second choice. She only chose Mark because she thought that Barnett had played her. Jessica was hesitant to accept Mark’s proposal because he was ten years younger than her, but she decided to give it a shot. Their relationship took a dive the second they arrived in Mexico and Jessica refused to do anything with Mark. She said that he wasn’t usually the kind of guy she went for, and she needed some time to develop a physical connection with him. Meanwhile, she told Barnett that she still had feelings for him and told anyone who would listen that he was ten years younger than her, even though he was clearly the adult in the relationship. Mark, on the other hand, was totally delusional and kept saying she was playing herself by denying their connection. Sure, Jan.
When Jessica and Mark got back to the real world, things only got worse for them. Jessica was clearly not into Mark and even drunkenly told him that Barnett was “so sexy”. She kept getting super wine-drunk and having meltdowns, and it was even a lot to handle for Mark. He kept saying that he was so confused, but he was still convinced that Jessica was the one for him. Jessica, on the other hand, did not share those feelings. I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears when she met his family, and his mom said that she did not care about the age difference between them. Jessica ended up leaving Mark at the altar and who knows if they've even talked since. Serves you right, Jessica.
Lauren and Cameron – You didn’t think I’d end this list without my favorite couple, did you? Lauren and Cameron are not only the best couple in this show but are also a couple I’d want to hang out with. Side note, is Lauren taking applications for a best friend? If so, where can I apply? Lauren and Cameron, like Amber and Barnett, worked as a couple both inside and outside of the pods but their relationship wasn’t entirely effortless. They are an interracial couple, and Lauren wasn’t sure if that’s what she wanted. Their honeymoon went well, and they continued to get along in the real world, but Lauren still had doubts. They all must have faded away when she saw him at the altar, because on their wedding day, she said yes without any hesitation and they’re still together! You love to see it!
Do you agree with my ranking? Disagree? Want to bond over how Jessica is the human equivalent of a glass of Barefoot wine? Let me know! Tweet at me at @shutupallybear or drop me a line in the comments. Now that Love is Blind is over, I can’t wait for The Bachelor on Monday!