Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was the infamous Women Tell All, and even Chris Harrison was over these women. Bring on Clare’s season of The Bachelorette!
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In last week’s episode, Madison told Peter that she wouldn’t be able to stay on the show and continue their journey if Peter slept with any of the other contestants during the fantasy suite week. Keep in mind, this is the whole point, and Peter’s claim to fame is hooking up with Hannah Brown in a windmill no less than four times during their fantasy suite date. Still, even though I do not agree with Madison’s beliefs, I like the way she refused to compromise them for a boy. At the end of their date, Peter tearfully admitted to Madison that he had “been intimate” with the other women, and Madison walked away. Peter basically begged her to stay, but she didn’t.
This week’s episode started on the day of the rose ceremony in Australia. Both Victoria and Hannah Bland say they’re in love with Peter, and Hannah Bland even says that Peter has “redefined what loves means to her”, but Peter is upset about what happened with Madison. On a side note, I think that “Peter is upset” should be the tagline of the season. Peter tells Uncle Chris before the rose ceremony that he hasn’t seen Madison since she walked away from their date and “doesn’t know what’s going to happen” at the rose ceremony. I understand that he’s in pain, but isn’t that kind of his whole gig as the bachelor? Doesn’t he get to choose who gets eliminated? Peter is spiraling out of control and I thought I’d be here for it considering how much flack I’ve given him throughout the season, but I’m not. Get back in the pilot’s seat, Peter.
Everything works out for Peter in the end because, after leaving him hanging for a few minutes, Madison shows up to the rose ceremony. Peter gives Hannah Bland and Madison the final two roses and sends Victoria F. home. It’s like he’s finally listening to me yell at him through the TV every Monday! Peter, send Hannah Bland home next! Peter tells Victoria before she leaves that his emotions for her were real, but he was farther along with his relationships with the two other girls. Victoria cries in the limo, and girl, bye. As the iconic Natasha said in just about every promo, “Hope [she] doesn’t come back!”
After Victoria leaves, Madison proposes a toast says, “Here’s to seeing if love can conquer all.” Judging by the scary movie music playing in the background, I’m thinking it won’t be able to. If I’m being honest, the only reason I’m still here is to see who Barb Weber is crying about when she says, “Bring her home.” Who is she, Peter? Apparently I can’t even bribe anyone to tell me who Peter’s mystery woman is, because when they cut back to the Women Tell All taping in LA, Chris says, “No one knows how Peter’s story will end, not even Peter.” Isn’t that the whole point of the show, that he gets to choose a fiancée? I don't get it.
It’s time for the Women Tell All, and I feel like a senior citizen seeing all the girls from this season. More than half of these girls are younger than my mere 25, and I had to resist the urge to check for grey hairs. Chris Harrison welcomed America’s Favorite Women, and I’m wondering if he’s serious. I liked the mean girls at my high school better than these girls. The only redeemable women on this season were Kelley and Natasha, and they aren’t even there. Who is this even for?
After showing a recap of all the drama from this season, Chris Harrison kicks off the Women Tell All by bringing up the Victoria P. and Alayah drama. In case you forgot, Victoria P. and Alayah, two southern pageant queens, apparently knew each other from before the show but pretended not to for whatever reason when they got there. Peter heard some rumblings in the house that Alayah was “fake” and decided to pull a whole witch hunt and ask all the other girls what they think about her. This is when he finds out that Alayah and Victoria P. knew each other, and they both lied to him. He finally sent both home after tolerating the unnecessary drama for what seemed like a whole season. At the Women Tell All, Sydney, who famously asked Alayah if she worked because she seemed like someone who wouldn’t have a job, calls Alayah “scripted” and said that something was “off” about her. Lexi, a girl who had maybe five lines throughout the whole season, said she was treating the show like a “pageant”. Alayah says she’s not fake because she is as “obnoxious” off screen as she is on screen. Savannah, the girl who wore a nightgown during the pillow fight challenge, fires back and says Victoria P. “fake” because she would act one way to Alayah one day, and then another the next. When they all start yelling at each other, Chris Harrison says they need to take a quick time-out. The man is OVER IT.
After the commercial break, Chris brings up #champagnegate. In one of the earlier episodes, Hannah Bland steals Kelsey’s champagne and she flips out. Kelsey admits that she overreacted, and I’m sensing some character growth. Who hasn’t overreacted when they’ve been drunk off champagne? I stan.
Uncle Chris’s next topic is Tammy. First, he talks about Tammy and Kelsey. He brings up the pill-popping thing. In case you forgot, Tammy called Kelsey an alcoholic and even said she was popping pills, but when another girl confronted Tammy about it, she blamed the pill popping rumor on Victoria P. At the Women Tell All, when someone asks Victoria P. if she started the pill-popping rumor, Victoria P. defends herself by saying that Kelsey was acting unusual, and Kelsey goes, “I never said I was sober!” We know, girl. Victoria P. talks about being worried about Kelsey from a medical standpoint because she’s a nurse, and Savannah gives the best clapback of the night when she says, “You’re a dermatologist.” Shots fired. Kelsey then stands up to Tammy about her comments about alcoholism, and Mykenna comforts her as she tears up.
The next topic is Mykenna. Kiarra says that Mykenna acted like a child and girl, bye. You should’ve gone home way home before you did because I did not see you and Peter talk once. Mykenna asks Tammy for an apology for the way she treated her during their last night on the show. Tammy refuses and says that any time there was a camera around, Mykenna would spread her legs. They all yell at each other, and Mykenna ends it by inviting Tammy to Canada to see how people should treat each other. SICK BURN, MYKENNA.
Kelsey then sits in the hot seat with Chris Harrison. Kelsey thought that she was going to get a rose at the hangar where she was sent home and that she misses Peter. When Chris asks her about how much she cried, Kelsey says that men and women should be empowered by their emotions and embrace vulnerability. I like it. Lastly, in the most fitting moment from this whole season, Ashley I., one of the show’s most infamous criers, surprises Kelsey onstage with a giant champagne bottle.
Victoria F. is the next contestant who sits in the hot seat with Chris Harrison. Victoria F., who has been a hot mess throughout the entire season, says that she didn’t realize how much Peter cared about her and is upset because she got in her own way. She admits that Peter put up with a lot, which is the understatement of the season. Chris Harrison then brings up the moment during her hometown where one of Peter’s exes accused her of breaking up marriages. When Chris asks Victoria F. if she’s broken up marriages, she says, “Absolutely not.” My favorite comment is when she ends her time in the hot seat by saying she could have handled the whole season better.
After Victoria F. almost won back my respect, Chris and Peter crash a Bachelor viewing party, their first ever with the bachelor’s parents present. When Chris and Peter leave, they catch Peter’s parents making out in the backseat of their car. Is this a sneak preview for The Bachelor’s upcoming senior show?
When Peter comes out to talk to the girls, Chris Harrison calls him “America’s favorite pilot”. I don’t know any other pilots but if I did, I’m pretty sure I would like them more than Peter at this point. Peter sits down, and Chris asks him if he knew what he was getting into when he signed up to be the bachelor. Peter, of course, says no. We know, honey. We know.
Chris then invites Victoria up to sit with them, and their conversation is surprisingly tolerable. Victoria thanks Peter for how patient he was with her and apologizes to him for “putting him through hell”. They end things amicably, and I’m happy about the lack of drama for once. As the prophet Ariana Grande says, thank u, next.
Finally, Chris opens the floor up to all the girls to talk to Peter. Mykenna calls him out for putting her through the rose ceremony when he knew he wasn’t going to give her the rose. Peter says that when he did that, he did not know who he was going to give roses to. Savannah asks if he regrets giving some of the girls who caused a lot of drama. Peter said that he followed his heart and calls them all brave for coming on the show. They cut to the bloopers, and this is usually where the show would end but Rachel Lindsay was sitting with Chris when they cut back to the Women Tell All.
Chris and Rachel Lindsay end up doing a segment about cyberbullying, and I am praying neither of them read what I say about Peter in my recaps. Rachel reads some of the messages that people have sent the women on the show this season, and yikes. This is like Jimmy Kimmel’s “Mean Tweets” segment but not funny at all. These girls get some real hate, and it’s not okay. Be nice to people, except if it’s Peter and he’s giving Victoria F. the third undeserved rose in a row. I tease out of love! I promise! Kind of!
The episode ends with a sneak peek of next week, and it looks DRAMATIC. Chris calls the ending one of the most “complicated” and “unexpected” they’ve ever seen. Bring it on, Chris, or should I say, bring her home?
So who do we think Barb is crying about? Are there any other shows you want me to recap? Tweet at me @shutupallybear or leave a comment below. Talk to you next week for the Love is Blind reunion recap AND the Bachelor finale recap. What a time to be alive!