Queen Victoria needs a new bra and skincare routine, because neither of hers are working for her.
Photo courtesy of Getty Images.
I know, I know. I’m a day late with the recap, but that’s because I was recovering from my Nemacolin trip. On Monday, I got to watch The Bachelor at Nemacolin, and it was, hands down, one of the coolest events of my life. I’ll tell you more later, but as for now, we’ve got to hash through Monday night’s episode.
Last week’s episode ended with an uneventful rose ceremony. A bunch of no-names went home, Abigail, my personal frontrunner, stayed, and Rachel cried. Cut to this week’s episode, and one of the first things we see is Matt scrubbing his washboard abs in the shower. Have I mentioned how much I love this show? Matt reiterates how he wants to find true love
and lots of brand deals, and then we check in with the women.
Matt, frankly, seems happy to be at Nemacolin, but the girls aren’t as stoked to be there as he is. Katie, AKA Vibrator Girl, says that she was never in a sorority and isn’t used to hanging out with so many girls. If she pulls the ‘I’m not like other girls’ line at any point in this season, I’m immediately unfollowing her on Instagram. Victoria says some more stuff about being the queen, and then Chris Harrison stops by to tell the women that not everyone will be able to go on a date this week. He then gives the first one-on-one date to Bri. Most of the girls are happy for Bri, who seems as sweet as they come, but Victoria says she’s upset that she didn’t get the rose and later tells the producers that all the girls who are happy for Bri are ‘fake as sh*t’. I, for one, would really like to know if Victoria has ever had any real friends.
Bri and Matt kick off their one-on-one riding ATVs, and everything is fine until Bri falls off. I don’t know about you, but I let out a huge sigh of relief when she got up and brushed herself off, moments later. Matt, being the super cute, kind, caring bachelor he is, said that he thought Bri’s mom was going to kill him. I’ve never been on an ATV date, but I’m pretty sure every guy I’ve dated would leave me in the woods alone. Too dark? Let’s get to the next part of the date then.
After their ATV ride, Bri and Matt soak in the classic Bachelor makeshift hot tub, which is truly a staple of the Bachelor franchise. I’ve been to Nemacolin, and I’m not sure why they couldn’t have just used a Nemacolin hot tub, but whatever. Before Bri and Matt get in the hot tub, Matt chops some wood for some unexplainable reason, not that I’m complaining. Bri and Matt then vibe, and at the end of their little hot tub session, Matt leans over and kisses her. Not sure if an ATV ride would be my ideal date, but if it ends with kissing Matt James at the end, I’d be all over it.
Back at the house, the girls are not feeling Queen Victoria, and I can’t say I blame them. Victoria keeps saying that the house is not a sorority and even tells someone that she hates ‘this girl power sh*t’. At this point, I’d pay money to see one of the girls to tell her to go home, then.
Matt and Bri end their date with a fancy Bachelor dinner, and when Bri tells Matt her Tragic Backstory, I’m sold. During dinner, Bri tells Matt that her mom got pregnant with her when she was 13, and since then, it’s always been just Bri and her mom. Matt also grew up with a single mom, and, since they have a lot of ‘similarities’, as Bri keeps saying, Matt gives her a rose. Cute! Bri seems all about ‘girl power sh*t’, so I’m here for it.
While Matt and Bri are making out at the dinner table, the girls back at the house see fireworks. If you’ve ever seen The Bachelor before, you know that fireworks means that the bachelor is making out with someone. All of the girls are bummed, and like, same, and Victoria decides to call them out for ‘being rude’ to them earlier that morning. The girls try to tell her that’s not what going on, but Victoria singles out Marylynn, her roommate, and moves out of her room to the couch. Something tells me that Marylynn wasn’t too broken up about losing her roommate.
Matt and the girls then go on one of the biggest group dates that the show has ever seen, with 18 girls on the date. During the first part of the date, the girls do a wedding photoshoot with Matt because, according to Matt, he has no idea what a ‘healthy marriage’ looks like and he would love to see with the girls. When all the girls are in their wedding dresses, Chris Harrison introduces Bachelor Nation’s beloved photographer Franco, and I’m like, who? Whatever, I love his vibes.
In a move that should shock absolutely no one, Victoria is totally over the top during the group date. Her black bra clashes with the wedding dress, she interrupts one of the girl’s photoshoots, and she makes Matt pull a garter off her thigh. She ends up being last, even though Matt didn’t get to take pictures with all the girls, because Chris Harrison interrupts and tells them they have to fight for Matt’s heart.
Chris Harrison takes the girls in the woods and says they’re going to play a game called ‘Capture the Heart’, which kind of seems like ‘Capture the Flag’ but everyone is also flinging paint at each other. The winning team, of course, gets a cocktail party with Matt. The girls fight, a few of them (*cough* RACHEL) cry, and Mari from Puerto Rico wins the Most Valuable Bride award, which means that she gets to join the cocktail party even though she wasn’t on the winning team. Rachel, of course, cried even more.
At the cocktail party, Matt vibes with Lauren the Attorney, and I have to say, I’m here for it. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, no drama, and they have similar values. He also hits it off with Jessenia, who reveals that she’s dated cheaters in the past, and, ugh, Victoria. Victoria tells him that she was afraid to ‘look fat’ on the group date and then is offended when Matt gives the rose to Lauren instead of her. Victoria says that it’s been a while since she ‘went that deep’ with a guy, and it just ‘wasn’t enough’. Victoria, I’ve gone deeper in job interviews.
The second one-on-one date goes to Sarah, who is a dead-ringer for Alexis Rose. In the first episode, we learned that Sarah used to be a broadcast reporter, but she quit her job and moved home to take care of her dad, who suffers from ALS. Matt and Sarah go on a plane ride that even Peter would be jealous of, and when they have a little chat in the woods afterwards, Sarah says that she’s afraid to open up to Matt about her dad. Matt says that he wants things to work out with Sarah, but he feels like she’s holding back. Come on, Sarah, holding back is not a little bit Alexis!
Later in their date, over dinner, Sarah tells Matt about her dad. Matt says that it is an honor to be having dinner with her, and, in a groundbreaking move for the whole Bachelor franchise, asks her what he can do to prove to her that he’s the kind of guy she would want to be with. They’re totally smitten with each other, he gives her the rose, and I’m totally sliding into Matt’s DMs after I’m done writing this recap. He’s simply the best! (Okay, I’ll stop with the Schitt’s Creek references now.)
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and the first thing I notice is Victoria’s black-and-white bra sticking out of her too-small dress. As soon as she gets booted off, Victoria needs to get in touch with MeUndies for an Instagram brand deal because the girl needs a bra. Before the rose ceremony, Matt creates a secret signal with my girl Abigail, who didn’t get much screen time this week, and gives Marylynn an orchid, her favorite flower, because she was feeling left out this week as well. Matt was spreading all the good vibes at this rose ceremony, but Victoria just had to come in and ruin everything. She tells Matt that Marylynn is ‘toxic’, and after Matt confronts Marylynn for bullying Victoria, Marylynn tries to work things out with Victoria. Victoria, like the child she is, tells Marylynn that she doesn’t want to work things out and the two of them are like ‘oil and vinegar’. I’m thinking Victoria has no idea that oil and vinegar is salad dressing.
By the actual rose ceremony, all the girls want to rip Victoria’s hair out for cutting into their time with Matt with petty drama, and Sarah, who already has a rose, passes out. The episode ends before Matt can give out all the roses, and it looks like we’re in for at least a few more minutes of Victoria next week. I wish I had some witty retort for this, but I think ‘ugh’ sums it up.
In very cool personal news, I got to watch this week’s episode from Nemacolin, where it was filmed! The Nemacolin team was kind enough to invite me to a watch party, and I felt like I was in my own personal Disneyland. They set up COVID-friendly ‘watch pods’ in one of their ballrooms and served appetizers, drinks, and desserts. They also decorated their lobby with roses, and don’t tell security, but I totally stole one and took pictures on the grand staircase with it.
If you’re a Bachelor fan, I highly recommend attending a Nemacolin watch party. For more information, you can call their main reservations line. Special shout-out to the Nemacolin team for inviting me, to my friend Klaudia for being my own personal photographer, and to Matt James, for being ridiculously hot and fun to watch. Can’t wait for next week’s episode!